“I don’t like this,” I said after dying.
Two hours before I had found myself in a roomful of people I hated. They were hippy types who dressed in that leather tribal gear. They probably didn’t like me, either, as I looked like a gymbro, but it was too late for any of us to leave the room without seeming like we were afraid of what was to come.
Although I had read DMT: The Spirit Molecule: A Doctor’s Revolutionary Research into the Biology of Near-Death and Mystical Experiences, no book can prepare a person for entheogens.
I went into the experience without any expectations and a lot of judgment.
5-MeO-DMT, I would later learn, is unlike DMT or ayahuasca. Part of a class of medicines known as entheogens, DMT (Dimethyltryptamine) is a fast-acting compound that enhances or induces a spiritual experience. Ayahuasca is a tea containing DMT, and the experience lasts longer.
To explain what can be explained in words: You might see some weird stuff on DMT, but you still exist. You have a sense of self. You can face your fears.
5-MeO-DMT kills you. You no longer exist. This is known as “ego death.”
Before you smoke 5-MeO-DMT, you sit on an air mattress on the floor, because you’ll fall backwards within a few seconds of inhaling.
The smoke was harsh and metallic. It tasted like a lick on a Duracell 9 volt battery. Just as I was about to cough, I was gone.
People on DMT come back with reports of conversations with aliens and gods. People who come from from 5-MeO-DMT come back with reports of…not much of anything. You don’t remember anything, because there is no you.
Your ego – another way to describe consciousness – is the self-knowledge that comes from knowing that you exist separate and apart from your material world. “I think therefore I am” is the ego. 5-MeO-DMT kills the “I.”
After inhaling the 5-MeO-DMT, it’d be wrong to say I fell backwards. I disintegrated, which is another way of saying integrated.
My “soul” felt like it had been ripped from my body had had started moving moving at warp speed through space.
As my soul moved at uncomfortable speeds, angelic/fractal wings overtook my field of vision.
Then it got weird.
“No, I don’t want to die,” I kept repeating to myself.
“I am not going to die.”
I was able to open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. The ceiling tiles started coming into focus, but I was still on my back, helpless.
I looked to the left and right. I knew I was in a room. But I did not feel present in my body.
I kept fighting to come back. I remembered a trick from lucid dreaming. If you want to take control of your dream, ground yourself by looking at your hands. Looking at your hands puts your consciousness in touch with its embodiment.
I kept staring at my arms – which at first did not seem like my arms, because there was no me.
Finally able to sit up, I looked at my legs. My legs had not returned to me, or I to them.
What does it mean to say that your legs exist in two dimensions rather than three? What does it mean to say that your legs are as connected to the floor as they are to your body?
Finally able to reclaim my body, I ate a piece of fruit.
When you put a piece of pineapple in your mouth, your senses process data. Your tongue feels the weight of the pineapple resting on it. Your tongue tastes the tartness. Your teeth press into the fibrous shell containing citrus-flavored water.
When I bit into the pineapple, the pineapple consumed me as I much as I it. The pineapple and I merged into one.
Although present in my body, my ego was still dead. I felt a deep sense of love for the people I sneered at only moments ago. “I wonder if any of these people need help? I wonder if there is anything I can do for them?”
After coming to my senses an hour or so later, I was my usual judgmental self. But that day has stayed with me for years.
When we no longer view ourselves as separate egos – when we destroy the distinction Us and Them – we open ourselves up to an infinite source of compassion and love.
The ego, a mystic will tell you, exists to protect ourselves from the pain that comes from loving others. The ego above all else fears injury. The ego fears death. There’s no decision riskier than committing yourself to love others, because people will disappoint and maybe even betray you.
I haven’t done 5-MeO-DMT since, because it was the only truly terrifying movement I’ve had in my life.
My life has been in danger many times, and yes I’ve been afraid. But I’ve never felt true terror and helplessness, and for that reason I must go back.
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Good read. I’m fascinated with the substance. Only because I experienced something very similar to all reports I’ve heard on 5meo. It wasn’t 5meo. Or anything related. But something happened and entered another reality that can’t be described or felt or imagined. Only when I get flash backs of it. The experience happen when I was 14. It took over my body. My body started sprinting towards my friends gate and I hit it full speed bounced off fell down and repeated that 4 times. On the 4th I finally stopped. While I was running I was in some sort of infinite loop that was perfectly sinister. It had kind of a mechanical sequence To it. Like a 3 step sequence and the 3rd stepinterlocked with first. And my awareness at that point was this is it. It was so perfect. It made life seem like a silly joke. So when I stopped and snapped out of it I could not recal the feeling.
It wasn’t until 2 days later I decided to experiment again. Same exact thing happened perfectly. Expect there was no gate in front of me. However this time I could remember the feeling.
I knew then and there I had to kill myself. I could not handle what I saw.
And for 6 months ever day or so I would get flash back of the onset of the loop. Like it was going to happen and I was going to start running. I never did run. I wasn’t using the substance. But I couldn’t handle it. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because at the time I believed that’s were I would go if I did.
Needless to say I’m 42 now. And I’ve managed to function. Anytime I get the actual flashback it’s still too much.
things I remember before I got caught in the loop that I found interesting. 1. A sense of Awe. Then came the shooting jolts of electricity (best description )up my spin. Then the most intense feeling of déjà vu. And then an epoiohany. I remember thinking “omg this what happened before I was born”. And then it turned ugly and brutal. Anyways if you interested in what substance I was on I will email it or whatever.
Thank you! Fascinating!
I remember that exact feeling of “Wow, this is what death is… I remember now, this is ETERNITY.
No matter which way I tried to go I was directed towards the same path I took. I believe I either died that day and am now residing in the afterlife/shadow world awaiting my rebirth, or was given a glimpse as to what death truly is, which is just living this exact life again so I’d better make it a life worth living.
If you smoke enough N.N DMT and inhale it all in one massive hit then you can experience an ego death like i did.
Don’t remember the visuals but i remember that i died, but i couldn’t remember how i died because i did not recall anything about anything, i did not know how i existed, i did not know what existence meant.
I did not know what anything was. The best way i can describe it is that i died and my energy got transfered into a womb in universe that gave birth to my soul in hyperspace at the speed of light.
Thank you. Ill read anything you write. Always learning..
I remember that I was in a jungle right after I hit it and music was playing.. A guitar doing some strange notes that seemed to get the women ( who were all in my vision) to wail.. The spirits told me that this is how to get the spirit of the earth agitated and moving and it starts with the women cause they are closer to the spirit and can feel it the most. I was being operated on. They told me before I go.. was there any thing I need to say? I was in a break up with my now girlfriend and I popped into this realm again and asked a friend who looked as if he was my girlfriend, yet I could see he was not… I she wanted this relationship… as soon as the words came out I realized that I had been putting pressure on all my relationships to fill a void of my abandonment.. I put my face to the ground knowing that I was the culprit of all my downfalls in most relationships. I was not sad about it. It was a revelation that I am thankful for to this day! I then Felt the most love and connection I have ever felt! as if I was fooled to ever have believed I was alone…. ever! Then I thought.. I am going to Die… I fought it for a while afraid.. but A voice said well die…. and I let go of all… all… I was awaken by the hand of the shaman on my shoulder asking how I felt… I felt amazing! I sat up and looked deeply in everyone’s eyes there realizing that they and I were of the same spirit only walking different paths.. It has truly changed my perspective. I am a mushroom traveler and have been with Aya.. But I learned the most in the 30 minuets than I have ever learned on either of the others
Nice article and one I can relate to intensely.
For some reason I didn’t weigh out my 5 meo and neither did I prepare my space. I piled in the granules and pulled in the thick vapours from the pipe and lay back on my bed.
Within seconds I knew I’d had way too much. Panic consumed me as my ego died. The next minute I’m downstairs freaking out that I’d accidentally killed myself. I saw my son and sisters flash before my eyes and an impending dread of realising that this was it,but also thinking that I was trapped alone in that moment for eternity was sheer hell. I was saying “on no oh no” over and over and thinking how my death would effect my family. I then let out a blood curdling death cry and laid down to die.
I came to moments later panting furiously and salivating. I was thinking,just keep breathing. I have never had my ego slapped down so hard in all my life. I was so humbled and grateful to be alive and so sorry to have been so stupid. It put life into perspective. I got into the shower to ground myself and was so relieved to feel the hot water on my body.
I got dried and went out into the garden and breathed the fresh air deeply. I apologized to the creator,my family and 5-meo-dmt for being disrespectful.
This experience was completely different to my previous ones that must have been half the dose. Those ones were beautiful and enlightening. This one was pure terror and total fear of death or the fear of a bad and untimely death.
Be careful folks and remember to be respectful to powerful psychedelic medicine.
True. We drank mushroom tea before a concert and needless to say it was a cluster fuck. Ironically, my friend, the druggo was way worse off than me. This would be one of several batches over the course of a few years.
We were at coachella way before instagram. No costumes or trans people just fucked up youth! I remember making a quart of it. I had it down to a science. It was potent. I think most people could take a few sips and have a great time. We drank the whole thing.
We were so wasted we couldn’t leave the car. It was always push push push when we did it. It was at least 100 degrees out and we were in the car tripping the fuck out. I finally hit the wall and it was awful.
I remember breathing hard and focussing on not dying lol. I mean it was 911 level. Where the fuck are the emojis in this shit. I was way out of my league. My professional druggo friend was out of his mind. This was my shroom tea batch that fucked up this bad! I thought I handled it well, considered how scared I was. He was pissing in a cup in the front of the car.
If you have control issues, do NOT do psychedelics. When you lose your shit you cannot have any fear. But if you have no fear and keep doing it, then it is dangerous. I’ve seen both sides. I side on caution. I thought I would die and made sure I could breathe. Because I knew I was ok. But scared as shit.
At one point the police came to our car. Obviously, they thought we were going die (and I thought I was.) My friend just stuck his head out the window and handled like a pro. That was the level we were at in this game. Even though I was panicked, either one of us could handle the cops.
We tripped TF out for hours like total weirdos. Like two college prep party boys losing it. Then all of a sudden clarity came to us! We actually had gone through total trama and come out of it happier than a clam. We went into the concert. I saw John Digweed (way before anyone even knew his name), Early Foo Fighters and a lot of other bands. It was amazing. I made out with some random girl who was probably as wasted as me. It was a time to remember.
If you want to experiment, leave all your baggage behind. Because you feel like you will die at times if you overdo it. You may also feel like a total loser for doing it and the responsibility to your family may wear on you. Don’t even think about having your wife/husband with you.
Ayahuasca will make you puke. You are ingesting shit and throwing up. But something gets you going lol. At that point you will be so out of your head. But people say the same thing about jumping out of an airplane. So make sure you really want this.
I took bad acid in college and it was awful. You are literally poisoning yourself for cerebral pleasure; so make sure you understand this. Take the lowest dose you can if you do it. You will probably have an amazing time; IF you go low. But if you listen to the dickhead that has done it 20 times then you will hate it.
Go low, stay slow.
To have fun or not to have fun. That is the question.